


oh my blood once was my own (but in one touch you made it yours)

by lightningalwaysreturns



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Feels, Awkwardness, Background nejinaru, Boys In Love, Gaara centric, Idiots in Love, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, NejiGaa - Freeform, Post-Naruto Time Skip | Naruto Shippuden, Suna Village, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, but boy does he think abt naruto an awful lot, i jus want the kids to be happy okay, kazekage rescue mission arc, lbr theyve been married since this arc, narugaa - Freeform, neji is a shit i stand by that, neji some too, this is um gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 08:16:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12250518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightningalwaysreturns/pseuds/lightningalwaysreturns
Summary: Death was a lot like sleep.At least, it seemed that way to Gaara, who had never slept well in all his life.





	oh my blood once was my own (but in one touch you made it yours)

**Author's Note:**

> the usu bs

Death was a lot like sleep. 

At least, it seemed that way to Gaara, who had never slept well in all his life. 

The Sand Spirit inside him had kept Gaara steeped in chronic insomnia, to say nothing of worsening his mental illnesses and trampling his healthy coping mechanisms. He was more used to it than not by now.

Chained to consciousness, he didn't necessarily fear its loss, though—in fact, whatever fleeting reprieve he could snatch from the raging, roiling beast that warped his psyche had often been somewhat of a blessing. It could be unsettling at times, catch him off-guard after weeks of scattered micronaps would finally drop him off the ledge of awareness, but rarely did he resent the physical relief it afforded him: restfulness. 

And between his recent death and even more recent revival, Gaara had a lot of catching up on actual rest to do. 

No matter how much the two had been compared in literature and song, dying was more taxing than sleep could ever be. It was downright _exhausting_ , in fact. Unusually so.

But then again—what about the whole situation _hadn't_ been unusual?

He’d been _killed_.

 _Finally._

(His father would be so proud of his assassin, would probably have cut them a check were he alive to do so.)

Gaara leaned forward in his seat at the Kazekage Office desk, facing the hot amber of sunlight that rolled over Suna.

“Well?” said Neji Hyuga from where he stood at the door. His tone was as deep and even as Gaara remembered despite that it had been months since they last spoke. “You wanted to see me, Lord Kazekage?”

Gaara glanced his way. For a moment, he’d almost forgotten that he’d asked Neji to follow him after they’d arrived back to the village. 

He let out a small sigh before turning in his chair to face Neji fully. “I understand Teams Guy and Kakashi are eager to return to the Leaf. It's sooner than I expected.”

Neji’s face remained unchanged except for the way the falling light hugged his lavender-white eyes. “It's for the best,” he said. 

“If you feel it's a sound decision, I'll trust you and the other jonin, of course. However…”

Gaara’s eyes lowered to where his hands rested atop his desk, loosely clasped. 

The memories surrounding his death were, somehow, frighteningly clear, even now. 

He remembered looking at his hand—the way he was now—and thinking _whose is this?_

He remembered losing. 

Forgetting.

Fading. 

_Those eyes. That nose. That mouth. Why? Why is that Gaara—?_

_Darkness. Everything in the murky corners of his mind where consciousness still lived was covered in it._

_Then._

_Light and warmth, surrounding him._

_“Gaara—”_

“Lord Gaara.”

He met Neji’s eyes. “I’m afraid I have a favor to ask of you, before you leave. Regarding Naruto Uzumaki.”

“I will do anything within my power, but I have to wonder why you would ask me about it and not Kakashi-sensei. He’s Naruto’s team captain, not me.”

Although, Gaara’s eyes caught the same spark of realization that Neji did as soon as he said the name. They had just returned from fighting several Akatsuki, after all; a fact to which Gaara owed the profoundness of his exhaustion. 

They had killed him. 

_Deidara_ had.

And Kakashi wound up battling against Deidara, so Guy was currently indisposed with Kakashi’s care while the other recuperated from that. 

Neither of them held much sway over Naruto the way he was at the moment; Gaara knew that much.

Neji recognized it, too.

He would be the next highest-ranking as the only other jonin of the Leaf shinobi, but more than that… he was Naruto’s...

Gaara backtracked to thoughts of Guy and Kakashi. He would rather they stay long enough to get some proper rest, at the least, but he also knew the support of a friend could make someone feel like pushing through just about anything. 

The way he had felt with Kankuro and Naruto under each of his arms the whole way back to the Land of Wind and Sunagakure within—the feeling of receiving strength from being precious to someone else, from being needed by someone who needed him, as well. 

His fingers tightened around each other.

“I realize that,” he said. “Will you hear me out… as a friend?”

Neji paused only briefly. “It would be my pleasure.”

Not honor. Pleasure. As someone who was... 

A friend. 

The word and its significance still weighed on Gaara’s mind, his tongue. But if there were one among the Leaf shinobi with which he could entrust his feelings towards Naruto, it would be Neji. 

Gaara suspected he and Neji may share more common ground than met the eye. He could never tell for certain—not when it came to personal matters; for now, though, they seemed to understand each other perfectly. 

“Please don't make any immediate preparations to leave. I would like the chance to see everyone off personally, but I have matters to address first.”

He could afford to use such roundabout language because of his position as Kazekage, but Gaara didn't imagine that Neji begrudged him the political shield to hide any personal motives anyway. 

They weren't exactly close, though they weren't strangers by any means. 

A friend. 

That was supposed to be the answer to the blank space between closeness and distance: _someone called a friend_.

Gaara still didn't understand the meaning of it entirely. Nevertheless, he thought about it everyday, spun sporadically around thoughts of _his mother_ and what that might mean for him now that Shukaku was gone. 

The Byakugan of the Leaf’s famous Hyuga clan was said to see all. 

Gaara faced it head-on, in this child—only a year his senior—who was called genius for his prowess and depth of insight, among other things. 

Yes, Gaara trusted Neji with the small but important responsibility of keeping Naruto and the others in the village long enough for Gaara to hustle through meetings with the Council Elders for an hour or two. 

Naruto, in particular, had said so once before— _I care more about my friends than I do myself._ He would jump into one fight fresh from another on willpower alone if it meant the chance to protect something or someone he loved. 

Gaara admired that. 

In a lot of ways, he wanted to be like that.

Even now, with someone he would consider himself on lukewarm terms with, it was Naruto’s sheer earnestness Gaara weighed himself against, not the person’s before him. 

Neji Hyuga.

How must his relationship with Naruto have changed since the Chunin Exams where they’d fought? 

Neji closed his eyes and smiled part of the way with that air of self-importance that didn't waver even before the Kazekage. 

“You can rely on me, Lord Gaara.”

A long moment passed. 

“Thank you. I will.”

***

Elder Sibling Lord Ebizo arrived first to Lady Chiyo’s headstone. Or perhaps he hadn't left since its installation. 

Either way, Gaara, Kankuro, Temari and the Leaf shinobi joined him for a final silent prayer before escorting the latter to the village boundary. 

Temari and Kankuro had tried to convince them to stay a while, but everyone seemed anxious to get home. 

Gaara could understand that. 

Even as complicated as his feelings were toward Sunagakure (and with every justification, after how he had suffered so in its hands), the village was still his home, and he was still in many ways comforted to be back.

He had tied up enough of everyone’s time, at any rate. 

They headed away from Lady Chiyo’s grave, towards the village entrance.

Naruto and Sakura lingered behind a ways.

When Gaara turned over his shoulder to observe them, he saw Sakura rubbing the headstone—a gesture full of affection that struck Gaara as _odd_.

He knew he owed his life to Lady Chiyo. Sakura did, too, in a different way, having been steered by her in battle.

(The stories everyone shared about what they had gone through in order to rescue him had simply stunned Gaara. He didn’t have words to express how unworthy he felt of all the effort and yet…)

Somehow, though, Gaara also felt like, as much as he owed his life to Lady Chiyo, he owed that much more to Naruto.

What would he ever do without Naruto Uzumaki?

He was a goal for Gaara in so many ways, and in a disturbing pattern of events, it looked like every time they met up, Gaara fell further into Naruto’s debt.

Though Naruto denied even having a hand in any of it.

Neji and his team were furthest away from Gaara, but he could feel those perceptive eyes evaluating the situation, placing it against the conversation they’d had earlier.

Kankuro spoke first. “Well, so long.”

“Uh, yeah.” Naruto, for some reason, dropped his eyes.

He and Gaara stood facing each other at the outer edge of the village. Kankuro and Temari flanked Gaara while Teams Guy and Kakashi scattered around Naruto. The sun sailed high in the clear light blue sky.

“Heh. I guess this is where people are supposed to shake hands and get all choked up…” Naruto lifted a finger to his cheek and gave it a nervous few scratches. “But I’ve never really been good at that stuff, either, so let’s just let it at—”

Gaara extended his hand for Naruto to take.

Everyone around them _watched_ them, silently. A breeze swept by and carried with it the confidence to surround Naruto’s hand with the very sand they stood on.

The two of them, they weren’t as subtle as they seemed. Not when they were together. A cold wind meeting a hot one created an even greater tornado, after all.

They amplified each other, perfect complements. 

Naruto’s blush stood out against his brown skin under the almost stinging heat of Suna’s desert sun. His blue eyes went soft, and his hand was warm and dry where it grasped Gaara’s, bigger than he thought it would be.

His own hand, in comparison, must have been cool to the touch, or clammy even. Smaller, frailer. 

Naruto grasped it within his as though relieved to have someone to hold onto. 

As though relieved to have _Gaara_ to hold onto. 

Their eyes met as they took their time shaking hands, enveloped in the moment as they were. It stretched out between them with a silence that carried more meaning than words ever could. 

Gaara felt… happy.

And Naruto Uzumaki had a habit of making him feel that way.

***

It was the moment he found himself alone for the first time all day that it began to really sink in—that he had been defeated by the Akatsuki, that he had failed his village, that he had lost Shukaku, that he had _died_.

Temari had actually said the words _Careful—your body hasn’t totally recovered from the rigor mortis yet_ and meant it.

Gaara had come to in the windblown grass with Naruto’s hand on his shoulder, Naruto’s name poised at the tip of his tongue, such warm and comfortable places to be, that to learn of Lady Chiyo’s death—and then his own…

Drawing away from the source of that warmth made the sting of loss that much colder. Like the desert winds at night.

Gaara lay awake, troubled and tracing shadows on the ceiling with flickers of his eyes. Outside the window by his bed, only a sliver of the moon remained to illuminate the village sprawled out around him.

He felt—empty.

There he was, Kazekage of the Hidden Sand, a lonely, traumatized 15-year-old and (more importantly) former Jinchuriki.

The uniqueness of his predicament hadn’t been lost on Gaara.

Nor, it appeared, had the gravity of it.

He’d been defeated by the Akatsuki.

He'd failed the village. 

He’d lost Shukaku.

_He’d died._

“Ahh…” Gaara released a small, pained sigh into the room. His throat squeezed around it in a way that dredged up memories Naruto always, always seemed to leave in his wake.

For the first time in hours, since collapsing into bed earlier that night, Gaara moved.

His fingers twitched first, accustomed to reacting to _this pain he felt_ , and reached up to hover above his heart. It was an old pain that he had never forgotten but had learned from time and again throughout his life.

And, now, he could say, throughout his death, too.

It _hurt_.

It hurt so much, and he had been so alone through it all, in the dark and barely conscious but alert enough _to know_ and _to feel_ the darkness creep in around him as the days stretched on and on.

He had been dying for days.

Gaara thought he knew pain after that day with Yashamaru—thought he knew pain after every time his father had sent an assassin after him—thought he knew pain after he first fought Naruto Uzumaki—

Nothing compared to having the bijuu stripped from him hour after hour and being entirely powerless to stop it.

He remembered his death.

The words that had passed through his head as he contemplated his mortal self. Small and alone but, strangely, unafraid.

_Is that me…? Yes, it's me. Me... wanting to be needed by someone. Why? Why did I want that?_

They rang out in his mind, clogging the space in skull where Shukaku’s voice had always been.

It wasn’t there anymore.

Would it ever be again?

Gaara tried to swallow past the knot at the base of his throat. It tugged as he squeezed, painful enough to draw pinpricks behind his eyes.

Hot like new tears.

***

Getting to sleep proved difficult, as usual, and staying asleep once he finally managed it hadn't been any easier, but eventually, for a scant few tattered hours, Gaara fell under. 

When he did, dreams of borrowed memories strung together in his mind. 

Lady Chiyo’s chakra—and Naruto’s, too—those whom he owed his life to resonated with him even after parting, even after death. 

Through them, Kakashi’s words to Lady Chiyo on their way to rescue Gaara then haunted him now—

_Naruto knows how Gaara feels better than anyone in the Sand ever could… That's why he feels this desperate need to save Gaara… Naruto’s dream is to become Hokage, so the news that Gaara had been made Kazekage hit him pretty hard. He was frustrated, but, at the same time, deep in his heart, he was profoundly happy for Gaara... You see, Naruto has another remarkable gift—he doesn't need much time, or many words, to make friends with almost everyone he meets..._

And then Lady Chiyo’s to Naruto while he knelt at the side of Gaara’s corpse and lent his life force to very thing reviving him—

_Up ’til now, everything I've done in my life has been wrong… Naruto, do any old woman a favor, would you? You are the only person in the world who knows the extent of Gaara's pain… He also knows your pain. Please, look after Gaara… Become a Hokage the likes of which has never been seen before..._

And, incredibly, Naruto’s own voice, broken as an unfulfilled ghost—wordless, tear-filled—

Gaara had been entrusted with a future that he would lead together with Naruto Uzumaki. 

(A death said to befit a shinobi, even if he often had his doubts about such things…)

Considering what his beginnings had been, Gaara felt he could regard his current place in history with at least some measure of awe, if it meant standing by Naruto’s side. 

Everyday he became more convinced that, as long as they continued to work together in the future, all the bullshit he went through in life had been _worth it_ to have met Naruto Uzumaki, in the end. 

If Naruto saw in Gaara a political goal to attain, Gaara saw in Naruto personal goals he wanted to achieve in his own life. 

Maybe the next time they saw each other, he could tip the scales at least somewhat in his favor. 

Although, knowing Naruto, by then he'd have racked up even more of a score to settle in the meantime. 

Gaara got used to the idea quickly; it didn't bother him at all. 

Naruto Uzumaki was the closest friend Gaara had ever had.

Naruto Uzumaki, on the other hand, had many friends outside of Gaara, Temari and Kankuro—for example, everyone of the teams that had just rescued him from the death grip of the Akatsuki.

Friends like Neji Hyuga.

Like Sakura Haruno.

Like Rock Lee.

Even Sasuke Uchiha.

Naruto’s… whatever he was—best friend?

Was the bond he shared with Naruto as strong as that—so binding as to ease the throbbing ache of the void where his hate still lived inside him, surrounded as he was on all sides by Naruto’s light?

Gaara liked to think so.

And that it would always get stronger.

He believed that much.

The rest could come when he woke up—whenever he did. First, he thought he’d see just how deeply he could sink into sleep now that he’d wound up there.

Night passed, a silent onlooker as the desert wind swept across his windowsill.

**Author's Note:**

> look i have a slightly embarrassing amount to say abt this short ass fic but what follows are my thoughts, basically,for some reason:
> 
> \--this is a fic in four parts: gaara vs neji, vs naruto, vs himself, vs other. 
> 
> \--after readin gaara hiden, i kinda wanted to see if i could write out where his headspace was before he'd come to the surefooted way he has at the age of 20, havin been kazekage for 5-6 yrs vs a few months, if that (aka where this fic is set)??
> 
> \--i realize this is prolly the most basic ass fic you could ever try to write for gaara tho i wouldnt kno bc i dnt read their fics rly but id always wanted to try my hand at it anyway so i figured why not. sry?? in advance
> 
> \--i can p much guarantee a sequel set in the new bolt show timeline at some point so if you wanna unsubscribe make it soon lmao im in p deep.....
> 
> \--2 words: "/uzumaki naruto/"
> 
> \--last but not least i do not kno if any of this fic even make sense so heres to hopin idk
> 
> thats all good day thanks!!!!


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